Every now and then, I indulge myself in a runner's chat board. I am a has-been and a will-be-again. Someday, I'll run marathons again and go on my 6miler in the morning. But until then, I sort of live vicariously through my online friends who run. There was a thread in there about moms who have plastic surgery after having children...just to put things back in place.
I'd like to do that some day, to be honest. I'm feeling the pressures of perfection. And you know what? They're pressures coming from the wrong places and for the wrong things. I know this, and yet I still bow to them and give them power. I want to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect neighbor, the perfect daughter. I want to LOOK the part...but BEING the part is entirely different. BEING the part is much harder than looking the part, because being the part requires that I BE in God's presence. It requires that I humble myself before the Lord, confess my sins, repent and live in light of His salvation for me. That's much harder than having plastic surgery. A quick fix is what I'd rather have. A little medicine, some microdermabrasion, some snip here and tuck there. It's so much easier to clean the outside than the inside.
I know all of this, and yet I still struggle with what I KNOW will make a difference. It's too hard to change. It's easier just to accept my mediocrity.
And yet, I still desire to be perfect. Perfect in what is important. I want to spend time in His word, in His presence. That will be what gives me the strength to do what I need to do. And yet, I turn to coffee in the morning. Coffee and a little checking of e-mail to see if anyone thought I was important enough to write to. *sigh* I'm chasing my tail.
I keep telling myself, if my children would just sleep in the morning, instead of wake up at 5:30 or 6, then I'd wake up and spend time in the word. As though I can bribe God instead of just waking up, letting them play and I'll just be in the word while they make a mess of the house. Oh, but if they make a mess, then I have to clean up...and the house isn't perfect. See? Tail chasing.
Andrew Peterson wrote a song...The Chasing Song. It's a little corny. It sounds like "Christian" music, which can bug me a little. But his words are spot on:
Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don't
Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that's all it takes
Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Job, he chased and answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her 14 years and he Captured Rachel's smile
Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him
Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Samson chased a woman
and he chased the Philistines
I'm not quite sure what Jonah chased
But I know he caught the sea
Cain, he chased the harvest
While Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
And Jesus chased the moneymen
And he chased his Father's will
He chased my sin to Calvary
And he caught it on that hill
Saul, he chased the Christians
Till his blindness made him see
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
....more thoughts later...I've been as honest as I can this morning...
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4 comments:
Interestingly enough, I was just thinking yesterday morning how nice and easy it would be to have plastic surgery to remove the last bit of stomach flab left over from my pregnancy. Then I caught myself, and realized that I was buying into the typical American mindset of, as you said, wanting to appear perfect without ever working to achieve true perfection (full sanctification, if I want to throw around theological terms and make myself sound really intellectual). The quick fix--no work, no effort--that's what our world tries to train us to think is most desirable. How different are God's standards!
Thanks for this post. It's always reassuring to know I'm not alone :)
(Oh, and I like your blog's new look, by the way)
you rock, friend! why do we focus on what we DON'T have, when we have SO much? thanks for your thoughts - you are a blessing and encouragement to me.
Thing is...you are ALREADY perfect... :-) Do you think God sees you as anything else? Sure we "work out our salvation" and we strive to be perfect as he is perfect, but I truly think those phrases are more about "wholeness"...about really integrating our spirituality into ALL of life, so that it's not a separate issue. I could go on...but "life" calls! LOVE YOU!
Yup, know how you feel. Why couldn't God have made being perfect just a little easier? The only thing I can figure is that He makes it hard so we have no choice but to pursue Him. But dang it, that's not easy either is it.
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